feel free to follow me on mine. i just made it. it’s not going to be super intense and i don’t plan on updating it as often as i update this tumblr. but i plan on keeping it as a public journal where i share parts of my real journal with those who care enough to read it. i made it to set myself free mentally and to keep myself sane. with that said, i follow everyone that follows me back and really value the importance of each and every one of them. 

so yeah, feel free to follow me! http://comfortofmyhead.tumblr.com/ i look forward to getting to know you :)

A part of me likes feeling sad. I feel like I dwell on the heartbreak. I’m some sort of masochist of love. I’m fucked up in so many ways.

i’m clearly not the type of person who deals with multiple boy issues at the same time.

i don’t know what to do, and i feel like i’m going to have to make a decision soon.

choose the guy who is going back home this summer who i kinda like and enjoy his company, or choose the guy who will be with me (mostly) all summer who i really like.

i know choose the second guy, sounds like a great situation. but i see things with him with him lasting a long time and he doesn’t have that time. he is graduating in a year and then leaving for marine training 3,000 miles away. i will fall in love with him. and i can barely go a week without seeing him, let alone 4 years. it’s like a recipe for disaster.

fuck. my. life.

so not worth it. also not worth the water retention, the sugars, the carbs, the calories, or the hangovers. the stories told the next day after drinking are usually told in shame and regretted. i’d rather be completely comfortable with who i am and be the life of the party without drinking and making a fool of myself. just a personal opinion.

there is this really cute guy i see almost every time i go to the gym. he’s not my usual type;  short haired brunette, pretty eyes, medium height, kinda hipster, but longer blonde hair, super ripped, surfer dude cali bro. i know he’s not into me like AT ALL, i feel like he’d be very picky about the girls he dates since he takes good care of himself. he probably dates skinny girls with long blond hair and blue eyes, not slightly chubby girls who are trying to get into shape. he probably doesn’t even notice me.

ugh i just want to get in shape, so the next guy i see who looks like him will actually give me a second glance.

he probably sees me and goes “aw how cute, she’s trying to get in shape!” if he even sees me at all…

meeeh, this is my life -___-

is it weird that i feel like my friends are kinda disowning me because i am changing my lifestyle? i try to eat super healthy and don’t like to eat late and that is not their lifestyle is. and i think they are mad that i’m losing weight.

maybe because it’s i’m high… hahaha… but i’ve herd stories of loss of friends because of the liftstyle change. idk, i may have just never really noticed it before…

i am making the sacrifice. i honestly could care less about my social life right now. friends will come and go… the ones who understand me will stay. i know if i made plans to go out tonight, it would involve drinking, because my friends like to pressure me to drink. my friends are skinny little bitches…. and i am the fat one, the fat one with a pretty face. i don’t think they like the fact that i am changing my life. they want me to stay. but i’m not going to.

so yeah. fuck em, i’m going to do what it takes. staying in, call it anti-social, but it’s what i want. why does it have to be such a bad thing to want to be alone anyway? i don’t get it. whatever

what i would consider binging, may not be binging to other people. i just snacked on food late. mainly hummus and turkey. i had a skinny cow ice cream cone (so good!) but that was only 150 cal. haha i say that, and it doesn’t sound that bad… i mean i went on a 2-3 hour hike today that was 4.6 miles total. i burned off a lot of calories i’m assuming.

so i’m just going to have to wait an hour or so to sleep so i digest before i go to sleep. gonna try to wake up early and maybe go on a run tomorrow.

bleh, i just hate eating this late at night >.<

What’s wrong with your little baby?

my dog passed away today. she was really sick, but the doctors never really said what was wrong with her. it started out with a bum leg and then she rapidly declined. she lost a lot of weight really fast and then would get really disoriented if she walked around. she’d shake a lot, and some days couldn’t stand up straight. the last days she started coughing up blood and having a lot of seizures. the vets said we could put her on more medication, but she seemed miserable. i honestly felt like the vets were just trying to make more money off of us and her illness. so we put her down this morning. the last i saw of her was her shaking in my moms arms as they took her to the vet. it hadn’t really hit me all day till honestly right now.

i wish i could go back and spend more time with her and hold her and play with her. now she is gone. never coming back. the fact that she is just nonexistant any more is killing me. and last night, me disturbing her because i wanted to hang out with friends, i just feel so selfish. a part of me wants to not think about it and keep moving on with my life, but another wants to reflect and grow because of her. i know she was just a dog, but she really was more than that. symbolizes life. and how we need to appreciate what we have around us in the present time.

i’ve never dealt with death. i mean once, but i was too young to let my mind go there. and i know she was just a pet, but she lived with me, i remember when we got her. i remember her 1st birthday. taking school dance pictures with her and watching her grow old. and she saw me grow up too.

i’ve been so caught up in the past lately. wishing i could go back, comparing myself to who i was, trying to be friends with people who i drifted from. i think this happened when it did to tell me its time to let go. to move on and start taking control of my life. that time keeps moving forward and doesn’t wait for anyone. so i am going to try to do it.

but despite what i know, i can’t help but cry.

i’m sorry for all you who read this. i know this isn’t fitspo, and i usually write about this stuff on my personal blog. but i felt my pup deserves a little tribute. RIP Darla baby, you are a little angel and i know you are in a better place. <3

(always with a smile on her face)

after the longest car ride of my life. i come home to my mom, who never admits that i lose weight, although i’m waiting for the day she does. though she didn’t say anything, i saw the way she looked at me and her comment about my “high waist-ed” skirt was even more proof. we were also talking about our christmas card and she said something about me wearing a mini skirt? haha i think it’s my moms weird way of saying i look good.

but my step-dad did say i look thinner. which is awesome :) now i can keep going and be strong the rest of this break